its still 2012 but i'm sitting here anticipating all that is to come in 2013, and reflecting on all that has happened this past year. i mean what a year full of change and growth for me. it feels like ages ago that i was in my house in Athens celebrating the end of such wonderful four years. and then the ending of a four year relationship along with that. a breakup i have somehow survived but don't know what will change as a new year faces me. i hope to be able to move on but i know that change doesn't magically accompany a new year. and then two of my great friends getting married and starting the next chapter of their lives! and moving to new zealand for 3 months, learning more about myself than i could have expected and falling in love with a country, and its people. returning home and being hit with the reality of no longer being in college surrounded with my best friends, and no longer having my best friend there fore everything. feeling lonely and lost and making some decisions i immediately came to regret. and i am still learning to deal with all of these things. God has tested me and shown me what could happen when i turn away from him. i'm still learning to be the person i want to be, and i'm still learning to let God fill my heart with him. i'm thankful for this year, but i'm ready for 2013 and for a new start and a positive mindset and a peaceful heart.

happy new years eve! this has always been one of my favorite holidays, my parents will be hosting their 27th annual party. and this year i'm stopping in with a few friends, for some great food, free drinks and oysters and of course wonderful friends of my parents i haven't seen in awhile. also excited to dance the night away with a wonderful band at the point. i never let myself set my expectations too high for new years but i think its going to be lots of fun!

"The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decisions or a husband's will, but born of God. The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:9-14

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! May the joy and peace and grace of Christ fill your hearts tonight, and all nights. Thankful for wonderful time spent with family and friends over the past few days, hope everyone is having a fabulous time celebrating!

never, ever gets old.

the sound of your voice
slices through the whole of me
when you say goodbye
-tyler knott gregson

ahhh we're getting close! this picture describes my excitement that was this weekend! camp friends in town and camp Christmas party last night. and lots of family today.

"forgiveness is letting go,
of the hope that the past could have been any different" -oprah

how peaceful.

i'm sitting down with a sad, and overwhelmed heart. but a heart that is trying to learn everyday to turn to God. and the past few days have taught me that more than ever. i just got home from a funeral of a young man from Raleigh who committed suicide yesterday. he was the son of one of my sunday school teachers, and the older brother of a friend my age as well as a girl who i ran cross-country and track with. i did not know him, but this has just broken my heart. to think of the pain his family is going through is just beyond me right now. there's so much that comes into question when something like this happens. and it makes me think, are my problems really that big? it makes you just want to grab life and cherish every moment and turn and tell everyone i know how much i love them. during the service they had a family friend sing accapella, Amazing Grace, it was absolutely beautiful. he had encouraged others to join in and a few verses in we did, sitting there hearing these words of the comfort of this amazing gift of God's grace, being sung quietly from the pews but with hearts full of emotion, gosh it was just one of those moments i don't think i will ever forget.

and then today, i've kind of been running around trying to get forms turned in and Christmas shopping done, but then to hear about the just unspeakably horrible shooting in Connecticut. my heart was again just shattered into pieces. how how how could this happen? its so confusing to me, and i prayed last night that i didn't even know how to express these feelings of confusion, but i know that God hears it all even when i don't know what to say. my mind turns back to a sermon a couple of weeks ago (that i think i've already blogged about) but just thinking over and over again that God restores us. He is the only one who has the picture of "what ought to be" and it is complete in Him, that is what hope is, and that is where my hope lies and i just pray that all of the families that are experiencing any tragedy in their lives can find this hope today, and all days.

i have been re-reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and I was struck by the chapter entitled: "The Shocking Alternative" which explores the concept of free will and the question of how an all powerful God can let evil invade this world... "free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the thing that makes possible any love goodness or joy worth having... the happiness which God designs for His highter creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight... If God thinks this state of war in the universe a price worth paying for free will - this is, for making a live world in which creatures can do real good or harm and something of importance can happen, instead of a toy world which only moves when He pulls the strings - then we may take it it is worth paying."

its hard not to be mad at God for letting these things happen, and its hard not to doubt and ask questions. but that excerpt reminds me that God is not simply allowing this evil to take over, He is still in charge. but there are things about His creation that we will never understand until we are sitting next to Him. and goodness to be a parent of a lost child today I would not want to hear that, but I would also hope that they can find some sort of peace, that today their child does sit next to God. their child is singing with the angels and is in a place in which they will never have to experience any pain again.

this tends to accurately describe my relationship with God:

"what fascinates me are people who want to be on thing but who behave in a way contradictory to that. who might say, 'i want to be happy, but i keep doing things that make me unhappy.'" -paul schrader

went to see theatre in the park's annual show of "A Christmas Carol" last night, teared up through the majority of the end. can't help it. it made me so happy. just trying to get into the Christmas spirit (and so glad its finally cold again)... 

"breath of heaven
hold me together
be forever near me
breath of heaven

breath of heaven
light of my darkness
pour over me your holiness
for you are holy"

it's december 5th, but.... HAPPY DECEMBER!!! can't believe its here. it's been pretty warm but looking forward to some days in front of the fire and the holiday spirit sinking in. oh and always always hoping for a white Christmas.

meant to post yesterday but kind of ran out of time. i just felt very blessed yesterday for such a gorgeous day and wonderful life. i started the morning (early afternoon) with an awesome message at vintage which was focused around hope and putting our hope in Christ for he is the one who will restore us to the way things ought to be. really hit home with me, there were definitely some things i needed to hear. i also felt blessed because they were doing baptisms yesterday at church. i always love watching the babies being baptized at white memorial, but there's something different about a child, teenager or adult proclaiming that they understand Jesus died for their sins that is just so touching. i was teary-eyed throughout most of the end of the service. and then singing Christmas song, ahh it was just wonderful!

after church i ran my long run of 8 miles! whoop whoop. i'm not trying to boast but i was very proud of myself, i haven't run that far since senior year cross-country. and i felt strong, physically and mentally. it was really just my knees and ankles that didn't agree with the 8 miles but i got ice on them and i'm feeling a little better today. it made me much more hopeful for my half marathon! i've been a little nervous but i know my legs will get stronger and if i felt good yesterday it makes me think i'll be able to make it through! then i watched the grinch, which is one of the best movies ever.

i was still a little sad about the georgia loss, but that's ok, trying to remember its just football. and they played an awesome game. so i still love them and am so proud of them!

really i'm just happy its december. and we are in advent, and waiting to celebrate the birth of our Savior!